Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Jacksonville to be renamed Michaeljacksonville

In honor of recently deceased anthropologist Michael Jackson, the city of Jacksonville, Florida will rename itself Michaeljacksonville, Florida. "Yes, we used to have some of the most pristine beaches and primal wilderness in the state. But we've pretty much paved it all over, and strip malls don't bring in very many tourists. So we needed something new," Mayor John Billton said. "I was reading Jackson's seminal work one night, The Chimpanzees of Gombe: Patterns of Off the Wall Behavior, and that's when it came to me. Rebranding! If it can work for Blackwater and Phillip Morris, it can work for us."

Jackson gained international fame as an anthropologist and primatologist and is well-known for his decades-long study of chimpanzee social and family interactions. Originally the lead scientist at his family's noted Jackson Family Institute, he would gain greater fame with a solo science career. Although after making a major man-chimp language breakthrough later in his career, Bubbles the chimpanzee became his co-researcher. Bubbles contribution was so important to Jackson, that he insisted Bubbles be named a co-recipient when Jackson was awarded the Nierenberg Prize for Science in the Public Interest. On hearing of the latest honor, Bubbles responded, "Ooooo! Eeeee! Eeeeeee! Oooooooo!" and tossed his feces. Unfortunately, Jackson never shared his chimp language insights and was the only one who understood Bubbles.

A statue of Jackson will be installed in downtown Jacksonville, replacing a statue of former Supreme Leader Andrew Jackson...the city's previous namesake. The city was previously most noted for being the largest in Unmerica as well as having an awful stench from the numerous area paper mills. "That was like 20 years ago!", Mayor Billton responded. "We kicked them out in the '80s. Why do people keep bringing that up?" The mayor then announced significant tax incentives and abatement to convince Jackson's brother, ethologist Jermaine Jackson, to relocate to the city.

Photo licensed by Sjors Provoost from Utrecht, Netherlands.

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