Monday, August 31, 2009

Rich people to Unbama: Raise our Taxes More

Supreme Leader Barack Unbama's campaign platform called for moderate increases for very wealthy Unmericans. To some, they don't go far enough.

Today, the Secret Rich Person's conclave voted unanimously to ask Supreme Leader Unbama to be able to pay more taxes. "Well, of course we don't want to pay more taxes," spokesperson Steve Fortune said. "But look at the alternatives. The nation is $11 trillion in debt. People are suffering all over. Unmericans need quality health care, education and public transit. Our country is fighting two wars."

"We became rich by being fiscally responsible. When our companies needed it, we raised funds to invest in their future. We're patriots, and want to invest in our nation as well. Under Supreme Leader Eisenhower, the top tax rates was 91%. Unbama doesn't have to go that far, but he can do better than the 3% tax increase he's proposing."

Oil, coal industries to dissolve

After the introduction of Supreme Leader Barack Unbama's climate change legislation, the major oil and coal companies of our planet have decided to cease operations.

In a jointly worded statement, executives from the major oil and coal firms said, "Climate change is a real threat to our planet and our very existence. It is caused in part by the burning of decomposed dinosaur remnants and chunks of rock dug out of mountains. While these activities are highly profitable for us, it would be irresponsible to continue operation. We willingly forgo our multimillion dollar salaries, private jets, and mansions and will take a vow of poverty until we can find a more responsible way to earn a living."

Three of the four biggest corporations on the planet were oil companies. Their revenue alone was almost one trillion dollars.

Slow Limbaugh: "Who am I to judge?"

Slow Limbaugh, host of the one of the most popular radio transmissions in all of Unmerica, recently responded to questions about his lack of criticism of Supreme Leader Barack Unbama.

Limbaugh, known for his Zen-like radio transmission that focuses on meditating over public policy, said "I will always question governmental action, of course. But I will never attack someone just to attack them. Besides, who am I to judge? We all walk a different path. There are no easy answers." He then bowed to the reporter, and returned to his deep state of transcendent meditation.

Unbama Gives Health Care Reins to Progress

With massive public support, Supreme Leader Unbama passes the baton of glorious health care reform to our national legislature, the Progress. Dominated by his own party, the Emocrats, and with strong unipartisan support, passage will likely be swift.

"Health care is horrible now...dominated by massive corporations that profit from denying coverage. Our government run plan doesn't have to turn a profit, just care for the sick. This is a real no brainer," said Emocrat Progress leader Pemori.

Divided Health Care's chief executive concurred, "We make massive amounts of money by monopolizing the industry and denying coverage. We're not surprised people would prefer to get taken care of when sick, as opposed to pay a lot of money for the dicey proposition of care when they fall ill. However, we'd still prefer to make massive amounts of money for doing very little, so we're opposing this legislation. I plead to the Unmerican people, please, I have three country clubs to keep paying dues to."

Repoblican party leader Nonexistent commented, "Of course we're against this. We're the other party, remember?"