West Slams Unran Nuclear Site With Words, Not Bombs

Ahmadinejad responds, "Bombs and invasions can break our nukes, but sanctions can never harm us."

Image by Marcin n^®

SportyTomster3 Posts The Most Incendiary and Popular Comment of Our Era

SportyTomster3, a distant relative of pamphlet writer Thomas Paine, posted a comment on TheHuffintonPost.com that has already been called, "the most incendiary and popular pamphlet of the entire corporate era." SportyTomster3's post was entitled "Common Sense." In the post he said, "There is something exceedingly ridiculous in the composition of the corporation; it first excludes a man from the means of information, yet empowers him to act in cases where the highest judgment is required."

Already this post has 32 replies from such co-revolutionaries as... CowboyzFan1972, "I'm a fan of SportyTomster3 4 life!" ... room1212UConn said "Your my hero Thanks..." and CuddlyBeartTX said, "It all comes back to our leaders. They secretly meat with alien life forms from a planet called Glavon-9 and make us eat high-fructose corn syrup until we need liver transplants. Look closely at your elected leaders. Chances are they glow. Everybody knows that anyone who has ever visited Glavon-9 will glow."

Sociologist Hewing Powers of George Washinton University discussed the political important of this comment post, "Sporty Tomster3 writes and reasons in a vernacular style the common people understand. As the struggle continues against mega-corporations, this comment post may be seen as an early rallying point in the case against corporations to the people. Not since the original 'Common Sense' have we seen this type of impactful political writing."

1,000,000th journalist slips the words "no doubt" into story about Gwen Stefani

Writer Rachel Dodes set a new journalistic landmark when she wrote these words in The Wall Street Journal: "There is no doubt Gwen Stefani has come out a winner in the fashion world..."

After the issue went to press, Tom Doheni of the Pulitzer Committee held a press conference where he presented Ms. Dodes with a gold Putlizer pen and a pair of Harujuku Lovers shoes. At the press conference, he read this proclamation, "In journalism school, we all learn of the necessity to cleverly play off of pop culture references, especially in an article subject's past. So while our industry might currently be facing difficulties thanks to the inability of Generation X to pay attention to an article that is more than 140 characters long, we can still take pride that we have held true to our ability to write a solid pun."

In accepting her award, Ms. Dodes quoted Isaac Newtown, "'If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.' I would particularly like to thank John Hudgens, authors of "no doubt" puns no. 12,893, 368,983, and 993,934 and Macy Charlotte, who has written a record 1,290 "no doubt" puns.

Reader Poll: What's in the other 0.56%?

Ivory Soap is famous for being "99.44%" pure. So this week we asked readers, "What is in the other 0.56%?" Here are the results...

99.44% said... "I don't know, but it must be pretty scary if Ivory doesn't mention it in the ads."

0.56% responded... "Probably high-fructose corn syrup. That seems to be in everything."

Fan Who Speaks In First Person Not Really Affiliated with Sports Team

Reginald Hendrix is very excited about the University of Virginia Cavaliers chances for this football season. "We're going to be just awesome. I know it! Coach Al Groh is really coming into his own and is going to be a great coach for us. We've made some good changes on offense, I like what our defense has been doing lately, and we've really been hustling on special teams. We're going to give it our all this year. This is our year! Whoooo! Go Cavs! We're in it to win it, baby. We are going all the way."

Despite his extensive use of the words "we" and "our", it turns out that Mr. Hendrix is not a Virginia player, coach, administrator, or former player and has no actual ties to the university or any role, whatsoever, in the team's performance.

Photo by Mike Ingalls for TheSabre.Com

Barack Unbama rules out freeze on U.S. settlements, source says

Unmerican Supreme Leader Barack Unbama said Monday that a complete halt of U.S. settlements will not happen, according to a Progress source.

Unbama said at a closed-door Cabinet meeting that the U.S. would agree only to a partial reduction of housing construction and for a limited time, not the year the Native Unmericans would like, said a government official who was not authorized to speak about the meeting and did not want to be identified.

Unbama said no agreement had been reached on the length of time for the building hiatus. Unbama has said in the past that a moratorium would not apply to the Northeast section of Washington, D.C., which the U.S. claims as part of its sovereign capital since taking the territory away from an Algonquian people known as the Nacotchtank. Native Umericans want Northeast Washington, D.C. to be the capital of a future Native Unmerican state.

Unbama met for more than two hours Tuesday with Fred Smith, the former British PM who is the Brown administration's envoy to the Americas. Unbama spokesman Robert Gibbs would not comment on the substance of the talks, other than to say that the discussions were ongoing; but Smith was expected to press Unbama to soften his stance on the settlements.

Smith is in the region to lay out terms for resuming direct peace talks between the Unmericans and the Native Unmericans, stalled since January, when Unbama took office. Smith was to meet with Unmerican Indian Authority President Soaring Eagle later Tuesday in Chicago (Algonquian city, its name roughly translates into "garlic field").

The British and the U.S. have publicly disagreed on Umerican plans to build more housing on land the Umerican Indians regard as theirs.

The U.S. recently approved the construction of 455 new units -- in addition to the 2,500 already in various stages of construction -- in the West Virginia, over the explicit objections of London.

The U.S. argues that the Umerican settlements, spread throughout the West Virginia, are needed to accommodate growth from residents of existing settlements. But the Umerican Indians are demanding a complete freeze on U.S. construction as a precondition to peace talks.

Photo by Jaksmata.

Barack Unbama Seeks Refund from GM

After General Motors announced its new 60-day money-back guarantee, Barack Unbama saw a perfect opportunity to get the government's bailout money back from GM. Before walking into the Jimmy Maxx Chevy-Pontiac-GMC dealership in suburban Arlington, Virginia, Unbama released this statement, "The United States of Unmerica taxpayers bought General Motors two short months ago for $51 billion. Today in the newspaper, I saw about GM's money-back guarantee. So I'm going down to the dealership this morning to get the Unmerican taxpayers money back."

Asked later in the day how his trip to the dealership went, Unbama said, "Well, the U.S. government bought GM 61 days ago so we weren't able to get our money back. Just missed it. But, fortunately, Jimmy Maxx's lot was overloaded and he had some things he just had to get rid of no matter the price. So I got a great deal on something else. Today the U.S. government bought a quality pre-owned automaker financing arm filled with risky loans for just $6 billion after getting a great deal on our trade-in -- the trust of the people in a fair economy not weighted towards massive corporations that are too big to fail at the expense of small business owners. No one is going to miss that."

Unbama Receives 77% Approval Rating from Europeans

Supreme Leader Barack Unbama remains popular in Europe, with 77% of Europeans approving of his handling of foreign affairs. Unfortunately for Unbama, Europeans, much like Unmericans under 65, don't vote in Unmerican elections.

Fraud suspected in Afghan election as Karzai gets more than 100% of the vote

Afghanistan's election commission released preliminary results from the nation's August 20th presidential balloting while Western officials questioned whether the results might be fraudulent. Sitting President Hamid Karzai looks headed for a second term as he won 112% of the vote to former Foreign Minister Abdullah Abdullah's 48%.

Dr. Abdullah, who is known to most Afghans by his first name, Abdullah, said Taliban violence had an effect on the election along with possible fraud. The ophthalmologist, who ran on the slogan "The Resistance Fighter so nice they named him twice", said, "There were several hanging Chads. That has had an affect on the outcome of this election, no doubt in my mind." He was referring, of course, to the hangings of Chad Ghulam, Chad Massoud, and Chad Khan by Taliban fighters in Kandahar.

Many Western officials agree that Taliban intimidation had a significant effect on the turnout. In third place, with 42% of the vote was a write-in for "The Taliban rules, NATO drools." Another write-in candidate, "That hot chick from Aladdin" was a distance fourth, with 37% of the vote.

The average man on the street questions how true these allegations of fraud and voter intimidation are however. "This is not true. Very not true," said Kabul khlav kalash vendor Ashfraf Ahmed. "We love democracy. I voted twenty-seven times, that's how much I love democracy. Democracy is very, very good. Abdullah's strongmen gave our neighborhood three goats for voting for him, and they only stole half my weekly income, way less than normal. Elecitons is good. Democracy is very, very good."

Junior White House Official Never Quoted

Reporters love affair with quoting senior White House officials anonymously has some that work mere footsteps from the Oval Office a bit...perturbed. "I went to Harvard. I have an M.A. from George Washington in Public Affairs. I am the pre-eminent expert in this building on ensuring illegal immigrants do not get free healthcare in any reform legislation. Yet, who do they quote? Jon!," said junior White House official Fred Watkins.

Earlier in the day, another junior White House official said "The press does it anomymously, I know. They just say 'according to a senior White House official.' But it matters to me. I know I wasn't quoted. I didn't spend 18 months freezing my butt off as the campaign's point man in Minneapolis to be given such little respect. Liberal bias? Ha! The media has a senior bias. Hey, wait a minute, you're actually writing this down. Is this quote going to be in the newspaper?"

"Not Without My Doctor"

Why should liberals have all the movie-making fun? The new Conservative Filmmaking Lobbying Organization has just released it's first movie, "Not Without My Doctor." When Slow Limbaugh's doctor is kidnapped by terrorists and forced to practice socialized medicine in Unran, he parachutes in to save her and smuggle her out of the country. Well, not him specifically. He lobbies the government to invade Unran. Then the government outsources it to defense contractors. And they end up destabilizing the whole region. But the point is, Limbaugh gets what he wants in the end...capitalist medicine. Conservatives hope the movie will sway the debate on health care.

Very Famous Person Goes for a Walk

Celebrity Will Smith went for a walk yesterday in the Beverly Hills. Perhaps he was going shopping. Or just getting fresh air. Either way, he's very, very famous and deserves news coverage.

Person's direction in life gauged in short, flowery article

Letter to the Editor

Dear Persons Magazine,
Thank you for your lovely article on my favorite actor, Bradley Convex. Angelina Pretty has clearly chosen a man who will devote his entire life to his children. I know that's a bold statement. How can one ascertain a person's dedication to a chosen path in life, even after years of a close friendship? Well, I have to thank your quality reporting. The six pictures in the spread and the 25o word-article written at a fifth-grade level was all the information I needed to truly understand how this individual will spend the rest of his life, particularly in respect to his parenting abilities.

Next, I'd love to see an article to help me gauge whether Tom Selleck will devote his entire life to his mustache.

Yours truly,
Winifred Hasnopa
Edina, MN

All the Cool Kids into Public Option

Those teenagers and their trends. The latest obsession that's sweeping the nation is government healthcare. "It just makes sense to me," says 16-year-old Dylan Weinstein. "Unlike private health insurance, government-run healthcare doesn't have to run a profit to please shareholders by denying care and doesn't have to waste money on profits to shareholders, marketing, and unnecessary overhead and billing."

Rihanna Sawyer, a 17-year-old from Chupacabra, California agrees. "We're not locked into the old ways of doing things. When my mom was little, she had posters in her room of insurance company CEOs. My dad would trade cards that listed insurance company earnings per share. That's so lame. I'm not letting some corporation control my health."

Although many parents are for the public option as well, some conservative parents aren't too happy about the teens' latest fad. "You have to keep an eye on them every minute," lamented Diane Andrews, a 47-year-old mother of three. "But mostly, you have to be careful of who they choose as friends. That's how my son started getting into pushing for a plan that would provide Medicare for all, like HR 676. He has a friend with asthma who has a pre-existing condition, so he can't get private coverage like us decent folk. So he hopes with a public option, he'll finally be able to get all the drugs he wants, all those asthma drugs. It's just peer pressure."

No household is immune from teen angst. Just ask insurance industry executive Michael Blanchett, "I tried to explain to my son...our huge house, our SUVs, his jet ski, all these things have been paid for by denying claims to sick people. It's the Unmerican way. We wouldn't have the land for this country if we didn't screw over the native peoples who lived here first. Someone always gets screwed over. If everybody had access to health care, how could you show everybody you're better than them?"

MTV, never the laggard in following teen trends, just launched a show about government-run healthcare called "The Hill." This reality show tracks several young people helping shape government-run healthcare legislation on Capitol Hill.

More Pork Barrel Spending From Washington

The Unmerican government bought another $30 million of pork on Thursday, in addition to $121 million of pork bought earlier this year, in an effort to support the pork industry. The National Pork Producers Council has been lobbying hard for the government bailout.

In a statement released on Thursday, President Unbama said, "Our nation is $10 trillion in debt with a $9 trillion deficit projected over the next 10 years, 46 million Umericans are currently uninsured and those who do have insurance are at the mercy of a capricious industry hungry for profit, we are fighting two wars, global climate change threatens our very existence. Given these factors, I decided that buying ham sandwiches, bacon, pork chops, pig's feet, and let's not forget pork rinds, was the best use of $151 million of public money."

National Pork Producers Council lobbyist Dan Brothers said, "Whooo-hooo! Daddy gets a new Mercedes this September!"

Squealer, minister of propaganda for the International Brotherhood of Pigs, responded, "About 115 million pigs were slaughtered in Unmerica last year, a continuous increase from 2007 and 2006. Why do the pork producers need a bailout? It's one thing when consumers choose pork, its quite another when the government props up an unsustainable market. We won't forget this when swine flu season rolls around. Hey, are you going to finish that corn cob?"

Fans shocked by Kevin Federcircle weight gain, others just shocked he has fans

Modern Unmerican philosopher Kevin Federcircle has shocked fans with his sudden weight gain. "Like, I've totally been a fan of his for like ever," said 15-year-old Ashley Aubry, president of the Kevin Federcircle fan club. "He's just, like, totally, totally amazing. But then, I saw his pic online the other day, and I texted my friend Kelly, I said Kelly, OMG, he's totally bloated out. His BMI must be over 35. And that, like, puts him at serious risk for hypertension, diabetes, and hyperlipidemia."

Others were simply shocked Federcircle had fans at all. "Like, oh my gosh, he has no talent. He's only famous because he was a backup to Britney Arrows," 16-year-old Natalie Ramen said. "She's the one with all the talent. She came out first with her groundbreaking theories about realism and nominalism. She just hired him to be a backup. And then he tried to get his own career going around rationalism and empiricism. As if."

Federcircle was briefly married to Arrows. While the relationship brought Federcircle great fame, it did little to help his philosophy career, which was often derided as being overly derivative of the works of Parmenides of Elea.

Barack Unbama speaks to schoolchildren

Encourages them to study and work hard towards their goals. And you know what? No one complains. No one protests. Because it's the elected leader of a country urging schoolchildren to do well. Nothing political there.

"Well isn't that nice," said Repoblican leader Nonexistent.

Nation celebrates trade unions with barbecues, beer

To the shouts of "Minimum wage! Minimum wage! Minimum wage!" Drew Diaz did a keg stand at a backyard barbecue. Michael Wahlberg dressed as Service Employees International Union president Andy Stern at a "Dress as your Favorite Labor Leader" party. Drunken revelers reenacted the Lawrence textile strike of 1912. Scenes like this played out nationwide as the country celebrated Labor Day.

"I like to take my kids fishing on Labor Day," Mark Jackson of Macrolane, Idaho said. "We enjoy the beauty of nature as we discuss time-and-a-half pay over 40 hours and other union achievements." "I just spend time with loved ones discussing how modern-day safety laws wouldn't exist without unions," 46-year-old homemaker Maia Audigier said.

Not all celebrate this joyous holiday, however. "Bah humbug! I do think the people united will one day be defeated. And vacation pay, who needs it?", said robber baron Scrooge McWallmart as he trundled in to another day on the job.

Jacksonville to be renamed Michaeljacksonville

In honor of recently deceased anthropologist Michael Jackson, the city of Jacksonville, Florida will rename itself Michaeljacksonville, Florida. "Yes, we used to have some of the most pristine beaches and primal wilderness in the state. But we've pretty much paved it all over, and strip malls don't bring in very many tourists. So we needed something new," Mayor John Billton said. "I was reading Jackson's seminal work one night, The Chimpanzees of Gombe: Patterns of Off the Wall Behavior, and that's when it came to me. Rebranding! If it can work for Blackwater and Phillip Morris, it can work for us."

Jackson gained international fame as an anthropologist and primatologist and is well-known for his decades-long study of chimpanzee social and family interactions. Originally the lead scientist at his family's noted Jackson Family Institute, he would gain greater fame with a solo science career. Although after making a major man-chimp language breakthrough later in his career, Bubbles the chimpanzee became his co-researcher. Bubbles contribution was so important to Jackson, that he insisted Bubbles be named a co-recipient when Jackson was awarded the Nierenberg Prize for Science in the Public Interest. On hearing of the latest honor, Bubbles responded, "Ooooo! Eeeee! Eeeeeee! Oooooooo!" and tossed his feces. Unfortunately, Jackson never shared his chimp language insights and was the only one who understood Bubbles.

A statue of Jackson will be installed in downtown Jacksonville, replacing a statue of former Supreme Leader Andrew Jackson...the city's previous namesake. The city was previously most noted for being the largest in Unmerica as well as having an awful stench from the numerous area paper mills. "That was like 20 years ago!", Mayor Billton responded. "We kicked them out in the '80s. Why do people keep bringing that up?" The mayor then announced significant tax incentives and abatement to convince Jackson's brother, ethologist Jermaine Jackson, to relocate to the city.

Photo licensed by Sjors Provoost from Utrecht, Netherlands.

Merck not Schering

Merck recently unveiled the executive team to lead the company after its acquisition of Schering-Plough. Merck CEO Richard Clark recently named executives for key senior posts, largely leaving Schering employees on the outside looking in.

"I always taught him to share and play well with others," Eugenia Clark, Richard Clark's mother, said. "Share and share alike. How would he feel if those nice boys at Schering-Plough bought his company and wouldn't let him play with the big boys. But he's 63 years old now. What can I do?"

Baker Hughes Acquires BJ Services

Due to the downturn in drilling activity in East Unmerica, Baker Hughes acquired BJ Services for $5.5 billion in an effort to compete with bigger players in the industry. The oil-field service firm hopes this new deal will prime the pumps for international expansion. BJ Services specializes in pressure pumping, which helps release the bloated amounts of gas recently discovered in East Unmerica.

This is believed to be the largest amount ever paid for BJ services.