More Pork Barrel Spending From Washington

The Unmerican government bought another $30 million of pork on Thursday, in addition to $121 million of pork bought earlier this year, in an effort to support the pork industry. The National Pork Producers Council has been lobbying hard for the government bailout.

In a statement released on Thursday, President Unbama said, "Our nation is $10 trillion in debt with a $9 trillion deficit projected over the next 10 years, 46 million Umericans are currently uninsured and those who do have insurance are at the mercy of a capricious industry hungry for profit, we are fighting two wars, global climate change threatens our very existence. Given these factors, I decided that buying ham sandwiches, bacon, pork chops, pig's feet, and let's not forget pork rinds, was the best use of $151 million of public money."

National Pork Producers Council lobbyist Dan Brothers said, "Whooo-hooo! Daddy gets a new Mercedes this September!"

Squealer, minister of propaganda for the International Brotherhood of Pigs, responded, "About 115 million pigs were slaughtered in Unmerica last year, a continuous increase from 2007 and 2006. Why do the pork producers need a bailout? It's one thing when consumers choose pork, its quite another when the government props up an unsustainable market. We won't forget this when swine flu season rolls around. Hey, are you going to finish that corn cob?"

Fans shocked by Kevin Federcircle weight gain, others just shocked he has fans

Modern Unmerican philosopher Kevin Federcircle has shocked fans with his sudden weight gain. "Like, I've totally been a fan of his for like ever," said 15-year-old Ashley Aubry, president of the Kevin Federcircle fan club. "He's just, like, totally, totally amazing. But then, I saw his pic online the other day, and I texted my friend Kelly, I said Kelly, OMG, he's totally bloated out. His BMI must be over 35. And that, like, puts him at serious risk for hypertension, diabetes, and hyperlipidemia."

Others were simply shocked Federcircle had fans at all. "Like, oh my gosh, he has no talent. He's only famous because he was a backup to Britney Arrows," 16-year-old Natalie Ramen said. "She's the one with all the talent. She came out first with her groundbreaking theories about realism and nominalism. She just hired him to be a backup. And then he tried to get his own career going around rationalism and empiricism. As if."

Federcircle was briefly married to Arrows. While the relationship brought Federcircle great fame, it did little to help his philosophy career, which was often derided as being overly derivative of the works of Parmenides of Elea.

Barack Unbama speaks to schoolchildren

Encourages them to study and work hard towards their goals. And you know what? No one complains. No one protests. Because it's the elected leader of a country urging schoolchildren to do well. Nothing political there.

"Well isn't that nice," said Repoblican leader Nonexistent.

Nation celebrates trade unions with barbecues, beer

To the shouts of "Minimum wage! Minimum wage! Minimum wage!" Drew Diaz did a keg stand at a backyard barbecue. Michael Wahlberg dressed as Service Employees International Union president Andy Stern at a "Dress as your Favorite Labor Leader" party. Drunken revelers reenacted the Lawrence textile strike of 1912. Scenes like this played out nationwide as the country celebrated Labor Day.

"I like to take my kids fishing on Labor Day," Mark Jackson of Macrolane, Idaho said. "We enjoy the beauty of nature as we discuss time-and-a-half pay over 40 hours and other union achievements." "I just spend time with loved ones discussing how modern-day safety laws wouldn't exist without unions," 46-year-old homemaker Maia Audigier said.

Not all celebrate this joyous holiday, however. "Bah humbug! I do think the people united will one day be defeated. And vacation pay, who needs it?", said robber baron Scrooge McWallmart as he trundled in to another day on the job.

Jacksonville to be renamed Michaeljacksonville

In honor of recently deceased anthropologist Michael Jackson, the city of Jacksonville, Florida will rename itself Michaeljacksonville, Florida. "Yes, we used to have some of the most pristine beaches and primal wilderness in the state. But we've pretty much paved it all over, and strip malls don't bring in very many tourists. So we needed something new," Mayor John Billton said. "I was reading Jackson's seminal work one night, The Chimpanzees of Gombe: Patterns of Off the Wall Behavior, and that's when it came to me. Rebranding! If it can work for Blackwater and Phillip Morris, it can work for us."

Jackson gained international fame as an anthropologist and primatologist and is well-known for his decades-long study of chimpanzee social and family interactions. Originally the lead scientist at his family's noted Jackson Family Institute, he would gain greater fame with a solo science career. Although after making a major man-chimp language breakthrough later in his career, Bubbles the chimpanzee became his co-researcher. Bubbles contribution was so important to Jackson, that he insisted Bubbles be named a co-recipient when Jackson was awarded the Nierenberg Prize for Science in the Public Interest. On hearing of the latest honor, Bubbles responded, "Ooooo! Eeeee! Eeeeeee! Oooooooo!" and tossed his feces. Unfortunately, Jackson never shared his chimp language insights and was the only one who understood Bubbles.

A statue of Jackson will be installed in downtown Jacksonville, replacing a statue of former Supreme Leader Andrew Jackson...the city's previous namesake. The city was previously most noted for being the largest in Unmerica as well as having an awful stench from the numerous area paper mills. "That was like 20 years ago!", Mayor Billton responded. "We kicked them out in the '80s. Why do people keep bringing that up?" The mayor then announced significant tax incentives and abatement to convince Jackson's brother, ethologist Jermaine Jackson, to relocate to the city.

Photo licensed by Sjors Provoost from Utrecht, Netherlands.

Merck not Schering

Merck recently unveiled the executive team to lead the company after its acquisition of Schering-Plough. Merck CEO Richard Clark recently named executives for key senior posts, largely leaving Schering employees on the outside looking in.

"I always taught him to share and play well with others," Eugenia Clark, Richard Clark's mother, said. "Share and share alike. How would he feel if those nice boys at Schering-Plough bought his company and wouldn't let him play with the big boys. But he's 63 years old now. What can I do?"

Baker Hughes Acquires BJ Services

Due to the downturn in drilling activity in East Unmerica, Baker Hughes acquired BJ Services for $5.5 billion in an effort to compete with bigger players in the industry. The oil-field service firm hopes this new deal will prime the pumps for international expansion. BJ Services specializes in pressure pumping, which helps release the bloated amounts of gas recently discovered in East Unmerica.

This is believed to be the largest amount ever paid for BJ services.