West Slams Unran Nuclear Site With Words, Not Bombs

Ahmadinejad responds, "Bombs and invasions can break our nukes, but sanctions can never harm us."

Image by Marcin n^®

SportyTomster3 Posts The Most Incendiary and Popular Comment of Our Era

SportyTomster3, a distant relative of pamphlet writer Thomas Paine, posted a comment on TheHuffintonPost.com that has already been called, "the most incendiary and popular pamphlet of the entire corporate era." SportyTomster3's post was entitled "Common Sense." In the post he said, "There is something exceedingly ridiculous in the composition of the corporation; it first excludes a man from the means of information, yet empowers him to act in cases where the highest judgment is required."

Already this post has 32 replies from such co-revolutionaries as... CowboyzFan1972, "I'm a fan of SportyTomster3 4 life!" ... room1212UConn said "Your my hero Thanks..." and CuddlyBeartTX said, "It all comes back to our leaders. They secretly meat with alien life forms from a planet called Glavon-9 and make us eat high-fructose corn syrup until we need liver transplants. Look closely at your elected leaders. Chances are they glow. Everybody knows that anyone who has ever visited Glavon-9 will glow."

Sociologist Hewing Powers of George Washinton University discussed the political important of this comment post, "Sporty Tomster3 writes and reasons in a vernacular style the common people understand. As the struggle continues against mega-corporations, this comment post may be seen as an early rallying point in the case against corporations to the people. Not since the original 'Common Sense' have we seen this type of impactful political writing."

1,000,000th journalist slips the words "no doubt" into story about Gwen Stefani

Writer Rachel Dodes set a new journalistic landmark when she wrote these words in The Wall Street Journal: "There is no doubt Gwen Stefani has come out a winner in the fashion world..."

After the issue went to press, Tom Doheni of the Pulitzer Committee held a press conference where he presented Ms. Dodes with a gold Putlizer pen and a pair of Harujuku Lovers shoes. At the press conference, he read this proclamation, "In journalism school, we all learn of the necessity to cleverly play off of pop culture references, especially in an article subject's past. So while our industry might currently be facing difficulties thanks to the inability of Generation X to pay attention to an article that is more than 140 characters long, we can still take pride that we have held true to our ability to write a solid pun."

In accepting her award, Ms. Dodes quoted Isaac Newtown, "'If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.' I would particularly like to thank John Hudgens, authors of "no doubt" puns no. 12,893, 368,983, and 993,934 and Macy Charlotte, who has written a record 1,290 "no doubt" puns.

Reader Poll: What's in the other 0.56%?

Ivory Soap is famous for being "99.44%" pure. So this week we asked readers, "What is in the other 0.56%?" Here are the results...

99.44% said... "I don't know, but it must be pretty scary if Ivory doesn't mention it in the ads."

0.56% responded... "Probably high-fructose corn syrup. That seems to be in everything."

Fan Who Speaks In First Person Not Really Affiliated with Sports Team

Reginald Hendrix is very excited about the University of Virginia Cavaliers chances for this football season. "We're going to be just awesome. I know it! Coach Al Groh is really coming into his own and is going to be a great coach for us. We've made some good changes on offense, I like what our defense has been doing lately, and we've really been hustling on special teams. We're going to give it our all this year. This is our year! Whoooo! Go Cavs! We're in it to win it, baby. We are going all the way."

Despite his extensive use of the words "we" and "our", it turns out that Mr. Hendrix is not a Virginia player, coach, administrator, or former player and has no actual ties to the university or any role, whatsoever, in the team's performance.

Photo by Mike Ingalls for TheSabre.Com

Barack Unbama rules out freeze on U.S. settlements, source says

Unmerican Supreme Leader Barack Unbama said Monday that a complete halt of U.S. settlements will not happen, according to a Progress source.

Unbama said at a closed-door Cabinet meeting that the U.S. would agree only to a partial reduction of housing construction and for a limited time, not the year the Native Unmericans would like, said a government official who was not authorized to speak about the meeting and did not want to be identified.

Unbama said no agreement had been reached on the length of time for the building hiatus. Unbama has said in the past that a moratorium would not apply to the Northeast section of Washington, D.C., which the U.S. claims as part of its sovereign capital since taking the territory away from an Algonquian people known as the Nacotchtank. Native Umericans want Northeast Washington, D.C. to be the capital of a future Native Unmerican state.

Unbama met for more than two hours Tuesday with Fred Smith, the former British PM who is the Brown administration's envoy to the Americas. Unbama spokesman Robert Gibbs would not comment on the substance of the talks, other than to say that the discussions were ongoing; but Smith was expected to press Unbama to soften his stance on the settlements.

Smith is in the region to lay out terms for resuming direct peace talks between the Unmericans and the Native Unmericans, stalled since January, when Unbama took office. Smith was to meet with Unmerican Indian Authority President Soaring Eagle later Tuesday in Chicago (Algonquian city, its name roughly translates into "garlic field").

The British and the U.S. have publicly disagreed on Umerican plans to build more housing on land the Umerican Indians regard as theirs.

The U.S. recently approved the construction of 455 new units -- in addition to the 2,500 already in various stages of construction -- in the West Virginia, over the explicit objections of London.

The U.S. argues that the Umerican settlements, spread throughout the West Virginia, are needed to accommodate growth from residents of existing settlements. But the Umerican Indians are demanding a complete freeze on U.S. construction as a precondition to peace talks.

Photo by Jaksmata.

Barack Unbama Seeks Refund from GM

After General Motors announced its new 60-day money-back guarantee, Barack Unbama saw a perfect opportunity to get the government's bailout money back from GM. Before walking into the Jimmy Maxx Chevy-Pontiac-GMC dealership in suburban Arlington, Virginia, Unbama released this statement, "The United States of Unmerica taxpayers bought General Motors two short months ago for $51 billion. Today in the newspaper, I saw about GM's money-back guarantee. So I'm going down to the dealership this morning to get the Unmerican taxpayers money back."

Asked later in the day how his trip to the dealership went, Unbama said, "Well, the U.S. government bought GM 61 days ago so we weren't able to get our money back. Just missed it. But, fortunately, Jimmy Maxx's lot was overloaded and he had some things he just had to get rid of no matter the price. So I got a great deal on something else. Today the U.S. government bought a quality pre-owned automaker financing arm filled with risky loans for just $6 billion after getting a great deal on our trade-in -- the trust of the people in a fair economy not weighted towards massive corporations that are too big to fail at the expense of small business owners. No one is going to miss that."